


letters ill never send

by jasondean



Category: bare: A Pop Opera - Hartmere/Intrabartolo
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Drug Use, M/M, Suicide, Teen Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 12:38:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6566461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasondean/pseuds/jasondean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>everyone has their own "dear jason"s, things they wish they couldve said before they knew their time with the golden boy would expire so soon. these are peters -- the boy he left behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this a while ago, back in november. enjoy!

dear jason,  
  
youre my roommate at st cecilias! SCORE!  
  
now that were old enough to put in requests for our roommates im so happy. we never see each other at school, and now we dont have to! we live together! how freaking SWEET is it to be roommates with your BEST FRIEND!?!  
  
if i were saying this out loud youd probably tell me to be quiet but i know youd smile a bit as youd say it.  
  
i asked you to try out for the play this year with me and you said no because you were trying out for baseball but we both know youre horrible at it. i wished you luck anyway, because thats the kind of friend i am.  
  
yours,  
peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
did you know theres a new girl? her names ivy. ivy robinson. doesnt that just flow right off the tongue?  
  
shes so lovely, the loveliest girl ive ever met. shes nice to everyone, even the boys who are already drooling over her and the girls whove started spreading rumors. me, matt, and nadia played some poker (not with real money -- you know sister chantelle would kick our asses if she saw that...) with her today. okay, well, i wasnt actually playing because i dont know the game super well. but ivy was super nice to me, she told me i could be her assistant. we won lots of chips!  
  
youll have to meet her soon. well, by now, nadia or matt has probably told you all about her.  
  
oh, yeah! lets warn ivy to stay away from lucas. even if she doesnt turn out to be someone we wanna have in our friend group, we have a duty to protect her, right?  
  
yours,  
peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
busy, busy, BUSY!  
  
you probably know that already, though. ive been raving about the play ever since i got a part that wasnt the chorus. ivy also got in! she helps me make sets and sometimes matt comes by and brings us snacks when we work too late. i wish youd stop by some time. nadia says youre busy building up your resume.  
  
yours,  
peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
thanks for helping me with my homework even though you have to be really patient with me. but when were studying together, i cant really focus too well. i just focus on your voice and its like all the words get jumbled up in my head and i catch myself staring at you instead of the textbook. i hope you understand that nadias helping me study now. she keeps telling you that _shes_ my favorite twin now.  
  
nadias hillarious. she doesnt even know youre my favorite _person_.  
  
yours,  
peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
youre really good at reading lines! i dont get why you dont audition. just imagine it -- you, me, and ivy, just screwing around after school hours. its so much fun! but youre so adamant about sticking with baseball. i know you hate it, though...  
  
yours,  
peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
ive started watching you practice baseball when im not working on the play. seeing you swing and miss breaks my heart! watching you do drills is hilarious because before you start whatever youre doing you give me a side-glance while the coach is speaking like, _really?_  
  
we walk back to our room where you change instead of the locker room because its awfully gross there. i try to work on my homework but i cant help but stare when you change into your casual clothes. something flutters in my chest when you pull off your sweat-soaked shirt and i stare a little too long.  
  
dont worry!!! i always look away before your boxers are off.  
  
yours,  
peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
i talked about how i felt about you in confession today. i just feel more confused than anything.  
  
yours,  
peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
i really think you overdid it after that party lucas invited us too. that drug? what does he call it, x? i dont like it. you want me to try it because it makes everything more fun. i dont think its really fun when you almost pass out.  
  
yours,  
peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
your lips look really soft and i wonder if you ever use chapstick. i wonder what its like inside your mind, if you think about me the way i think about you. do you ever wonder what it would be like to get wrapped up in my arms? or how i might taste? if you could map out every inch of my skin with your touch?  
  
i hope you do.  
  
yours,  
peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
im a sinner  
  
yours,  
peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
can the church be wrong?  
  
can a sin be right?  
  
everything seems so pure i dont understand what it is. i dont understand, jason. were pure.  
  
yours,  
peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
im a sinner because i didnt stop you when you kissed me. im a sinner because i didnt want you to stop.  
  
yours,  
peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
i know nadias been telling you how annoying ivy is, but look, you know your sister and how she is. _what do you mean, how she is?_ argh, fine! ill say it! JUDGMENTAL.  
  
ivy hasnt slept with her teachers from her other school to get good grades and money no matter what nadia says! ivy told me she hasnt. but she did tell me she did it with lucas (ugh, so much for protecting her...). i asked her why and she just shrugged a bit and smiled at me. _well, cause its fun._  
  
i bet you wont believe me when i say i think i saw a little sadness in those lovely brown eyes of hers.  
  
yours,  
peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
im going to really miss you over spring break. i know its a sin but i know god will forgive me, too. i know he understands i need you right now. i love you.  
  
yours, peter  


 

\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
you told me i was your first.  
  
_first...?_  
  
_yeah, peter._  
  
_first guy?_  
  
apparently not! im your first-first?! gosh, you have to be lying. you have to have done this before because you knew exactly what to do to with your hands and your mouth and how to maneuver someone elses body while piloting your own. and you were so precise and exact with everything you did. i got a little lost, i think, because im lying on your chest and listening to you regain your breath and i notice little marks all along your neck and jaw and saliva on the corner of your mouth and on the tip of your nose. i feel embarrassed and i want to hide but you still play with my hair and kiss me anyway.  
  
i want to fall asleep like this all the time.  
  
yours,  
peter


	2. the ending (and then some)

  
dear jason,  
  
i cant believe how long its been since i wrote to you.  
  
i was just going to write about how you actually auditioned for the play this year (finally, after literally forever of trying to convince you, jesus christ...), but i actually have a lot to write down. so, hey, here we go...  
  
you didnt try out for baseball again, thank god. my mom was super proud when i told her we were both in the play -- and hey, you got the lead! i cant believe your romeo and im mercutio. i think romeo and juliet would be pretty good if those two were in love. there would be a lot less dead people.  
  
ivy got juliet, nadia got the nurse, and matt got tybalt. were gonna rock this, even if the theatre budget is so small we can barely afford a gallon of paint.   
  
ivy and nadia are roommates this year, which is definitely a recipe for disaster. ive already heard lots from ivy about how annoying nadia is, and im sure nadias been keeping you updated on all the stuff ivys been up to, too. speaking of ivy! im so happy she and matt seem to be going out. matts so nice and i know hell treat her right.  
  
anyway, were going to the rave tonight. hopefully i wont twist my ankle like last time.  
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
god, you can be such a coward.  
  
no one cared we were dancing together! no one would have cared if you kissed me in there. im so tired of hiding, jason. i dont know what to do. i almost told the priest in confession about us. i need to talk about this! i love you and thats _okay_.  
  
oh, and congrats on notre dame.  
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
ivys birthday is going on and shes wasted. poor matt, he just wanted a small group and some cake to surprise her and he gets this. also, who brought the pot brownies? theyre delicious, i just wish i knew what was in them before i took a bite.  
  
matts following ivy around like a lost puppy dog, trying to salvage the party he had in mind. ivys trying to get you to hit the pinata and i am trying to convince you we should go back to our room and get down to that bedtime routine but the birthday girl, of course, gets her wish, leaving me watching on the sidelines as she pushes matt away and reels you in.  
  
happy seventeenth, ivy.  
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
i didnt mean to tell matt. he stole some wine and we were drunk and we couldnt figure out how to dance and everything was spinning. he told me he really liked ivy and he was afraid of you and her alone. i couldnt help but brag, jason. im so sorry.  
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
ivys officially kicked matt to the curb. i keeping trying to ask her about the details but she tries to act like they were never really an item. its really frustrating me because she always shares this kinda stuff with me. im like her second-in-command.   
  
maybe she doesnt need to tell me because its super obvious how into you she is. was she always like this?  
  
anyway, its practice and matt is getting a little to intense with the sword-fighting scene you and him do after i (or, uh, mercutio) dies. you go to put away the props when you hear him say it, sneering. i always thought of the letter f as something soft and delicate but this word is anything but.  
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
im sorry for how mad i got. you arent a coward, but i just cant hide in the closet anymore. im telling my mom with or without you, though i wish you were here with me to do it.  
  
but, you were wrong about there being no such thing as queer heroes. i know you broke up with me but after break im going to tell you that you _are_ my hero.  
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
ivys finally starting to give me the details about you and her. she talks all about how nice you are, how romantic you are, how sweet you are, how thoughtful you are...  
  
UGH. IVY. I KNOW!!!  
  
she says you two did it the night before break. i think shes lying, because she hasnt broken up with you yet. but shes really smitten and i dont want you to break her heart because shes my friend.  
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
i didnt want it to happen but it did. i havent heard from ivy all week. she doesnt show up to rehearsal and when i see her she looks gloomy, always fitted with her oversized school-issued cardigan, her mascara and eyeliner smudged and her expression always like there may be a rain storm rolling through at this very moment.  
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
i asked you if you slept with her and you said no. i doubted, though. but i didnt care because i could just ignore it and pretend it didnt happen.  
  
matt told ivy when he saw she was telling you she was pregnant and she wanted you to help her with the baby. he told all when the rest of the cast for the show was walking in.  
  
 _oh, yeah! im jason mcconnell! hm, today i feel like being romeo! today, i feel like doing extra credit for sister joan even though i have a freaking A! today, i feel like messing around with the prettiest girl in school! today, i feel like fucking my boyfriend peter and pretending like no one would find out!_  
  
i cant look at ivy. i want to be mad at her but i just cant. she hasnt talked to me since everything came out. really, everyones been avoiding me. including you. i dont know whats happening, but itll be alright. graduations only in three weeks.  
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
lucas said you wanted something to keep you calm. you told me you wanted to run away with me and i told you it wasnt practical because we couldnt pretend everything was okay anymore. sometime between then and the queen mab speech on opening night, you took the whole vial of what lucas gave you. you always said you werent an actor but you really chose something dramatic.  
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
why?  
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
i dont understand  
everyones really sad and its hitting me and i cant breathe  
i love you jason   
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
your dad didnt let me see you one last time. ivy spoke to me for the first time since everything happened that day. she came out of the funeral home and saw me sitting in my ironed suit and messy tie (you were always the one who knotted it for uniform) and sat down on the hot pavement next to me.   
  
_i hate him._  
  
i didnt say anything. because, really, i hate you too. i hate you for leaving me. i hate you for leaving nadia without a brother and i hate you for leaving ivy without a father to her baby. to be honest? i hate you for being a coward.  
  
 _i know, ivy._  
  
i wish we were there, jason, to say goodbye and to wish you luck for whats next.   
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
ive been really busy packing for berkeley and helping ivy find a job but i think everythings finally falling into place for me. theres just one missing piece: you.  
  
yours,  
peter  
  


\--

  
  
dear jason,  
  
you kissed me and we both just knew.  
ive loved you ever since. i know things change, but that never will, no matter who im with or where i am.  
i hope your voice will guide me again one day.  
  
yours,  
forever and always,  
peter


End file.
